alex barrie
April 18, 2014
sweetest of the transition metals
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- Big K Inspection -

August 12, 2004

After three years, we finally moved out of the apartment and into the super house, which I have previously described. After viewing the photo gallery of the apartment, some may wonder how the inspection went when we moved out. My roommate and I got there a few minutes early to make sure everything was clean and we soon realized that it was not.

Digression 1: A couple years ago Slaski, who you may remember from the house rant, told us that he made a bunch of beer and that it was pretty satisfying and cheap. Obviously, we also had to try it. We bought a bunch of bottles from the designer beer store and a kit for making the beer. The guy at the beer store was some upper middle aged man who had nothing better to do than talk to college kids about the various types of beer he liked to drink and how it was made. The first batch of beer we made worked out OK. There was a problem regarding the directions on the can versus the directions in this book the guy made us buy. The end result was too much sugar in the brew which eventually resulted in unusually high alcohol levels. The beer tasted more like wine than beer, and we did not drink much of it. We then sold it all to some fraternity with less discriminating tastes. The second batch of beer did not go as well. Something in the beer making cycle was not properly disinfected and the bucket of fermenting beer was soon full of bacteria strings. Needless to say, we never drank this one or even tried to sell it. It isntead, like the shop vac juice, various rotten meats, Joe's assortet blocks of ice, and so many other foul substances, went off the balcony. My roommate doesnt know how to operate a camera so the picture is pre and post dump; he couldn't get the action shot. The point is that after we sold the beer we got the bottles back to try again and put them in the dishwasher. All of the labels came off and collected in the bottom of the dishwasher permanently clogging up the drain.

So, when the dishwasher was full of dishes and crust, it was *really* full of crust. We got all the dishes out but didn't have time to actually clean all the particles out of the bottom. As I was cleaning the dishwasher my roommate opened the cabinet under the sink and found that it had not been cleaned at all and the garbage disposal was still hooked up.

Digression 2: When we first moved into the apartment there was no garbage disposal. This was unnacceptable since we seem to generate a large amount of sink related trash. We went to Home Depot and bought a garbage disposal with the assumption that we could install it without a problem. When we got home it was brought to my attention that 'we' really meant 'I' so I got to work on putting it in. I was expecting the pipes under the sink to be the most difficult thing to remove and replace, but in reality it was just some array of plastic tubes precariously balanced on top of eachother and held in place by gravity. Nothing was screwed into anything or glued together or even taped. The slightest pull and the entire assembly became a disassembly on the floor of the cabinet. At this point there was no turning back since it would have undoubtedly been harder to reassemble that tubery than to just stick in the disposal.

The problem was the drain that was already in the sink. I had never experienced anything so tight. (insert your mom joke here.) I don't remember exactly how i eventually got it off but I think it involved an extended round of the hammer game and some permanent warping of the sink.

After the drain was off I realized that I had nowhere to plug the disposal into and no switch with which to control it. The easiest, and therefore best, solution was to just plug it into a power strip and tape the power strip to the inside of the cabinet. This gave it power and a switch. The problem is that it most likely violated a large number of electricity and garbage disposal related codes.

The intention was to do something about the disposal when we moved out so as to not be charged for some guy to bring it up to code. At this point, however, we had about 5 minutes to remove it and replace it with pipes so instead we just took out the surge protector and let the cord just hang there in the cabinet. Our theory was that if it wasn't plugged in, it wasn't violating any wiring laws.

Just as my roomate pulls out the power strip and I take the last cup out of the dishwasher the guy walks in. He sees us quickly loading things into a bucket that, ironically, was actually his and asks us if we need more time but we say that we are ready now since apathy had reached a critical level. He takes a cursory glance around the living room and then moves into the kitchen. He looks in all the cabinets to check for dust and what not and then opens the stove and said that we should have used oven cleaner and could have gotten it much cleaner. I am now thinking that we are in for it because we put a good effort into cleaning that oven and if it was "dirty" I couldn't wait to see what he thought of the rest of the apartment.

Digression 3: The second bathroom in our apartment had a stopped up toilet due, I can only assume, to my roommates poor dietary habits. We tried every method of declogging it that Home Depot had to offer but none worked. We eventually called the maintanence guy. He did nothing of value so we called him back a couple weeks later. This time he also did nothing of value, but he left his bucket and snake thing in the corner of the apartment which is why we still had it lying around. We called a third time and this time he didn't even bother to show up, probably because he couldn't find his bucket. Soon my other roommate started just using our bathroom. The problem was that he could not seem to remember to flush the toilet. It bothered me to no end. Eventually I had to put a sign on the wall right in front of the toilet that read 'Andrew, flush the toilet.' The sign worked remarkebly well and the problem was soleved. At some point down the road, however, someone removed the sign probably thinking that he had gotten into the habit of proper bathroom use, but not a week went by without the sign when he started back up again. I don't understand how you can take a dump and stand around for a minute washing your hands and such and not notice the toilet full of crap to your immediate right. He found a way, I guess.

He then opened the cabinet below the sink and stuck his head in. I was preparing for a long and confusing discussion about how and why there was a garbage disposal in there that was not hooked up to anything. I recalled how my friend who lived on the first floor and was the recipient of all those balcony dumpings, had said that when he moved out he got charged some obscene amount of money for things he never even thought to look at. To my surprise, however, he just closed the cabinet and moved on. I mean, he was staring right at it! He then tells us that the place looks pretty clean and that we gave the guys a good name. Apparently only girls knew how to clean their appartments up until now.

While we were having this discussion he was looking right at the recently patched holes in the wall. There were several holes in the walls of the apartment. The holes shown here in the kitchen were a result of people who were not me getting angry and punching the wall. Another larger hole was at the end of the hallway which was my fault. My roommate bet me a dollar I couldnt throw the medicine ball all the way down the hallway. Needless to say, the proof that I won still exists today. We tried to patch these holes but it turned out very poorly. Each had the obvious rectangular bulge where the drywall was inserted with a poor paint and even poorer sanding job around it. I tried to stand in front of the hole in the hallway hoping he could not see it, which was apparently succesfull. I don't see how he could have missed the kitchen hole however, it could not have been more obvious unless we hadn't pathed it at all. In addition to these holes there were countless small holes from running cables in order to scam the internet company and various places where the removal of liquid nails resulted in patches of drywall missing.

Digression 4: This one time I had some girl over to help her with math homework and she looked at me and asked me 'what is that large brown smear on the wall?' I responded with 'liquid nails.' This did not compute so she thought for a minute and asked 'why is there a large strip of liquid nails on the wall?' I told her it used to be holding up a vodka bottle. To this the only logical response is 'oh...' The rest of our conversation was along the lines of:
'Why did you hang a piece of spaghetti on the wall?'
'My roommate put it there because it was bent'
'Why does he care if it's bent?'
'I guess he thought it looked neat'
'Why can't he just bend a normal piece and stick it on the wall?'
'I guess then it wouldn't be as long'

'Are you getting wood flooring installed?'
'Then why do you have a book of wood floor samples?'
'I don't know, I guess my roommate thought it was neat'
'Where did he get it?'
'From the dumpster'
'Why was he looking through the dumpster for wood floor samples?'
'I don't think he was looking specifically for that, he just found it while he was in there'
'So then why was he in the dumpster?'
'I think he was just looking for interesting things, like wood floor samples'

Thankfully, she never went into the kitchen. Regardless, she never came over again.....

So the guy proceeds with the inspection ignoring many of the glaring repairs that would inevitably be earmarked for him to fix. When he gets to the second bathroom, however, he noices that the cabinet is full of slime. This got us pretty angry because one of our roommates had said that he had cleaned all of the bathroom except the tub. If he had not cleaned this cabinet, I don't know exactly what he did do except for wipe off the counter and sink. So we quickly cleaned it out in hopes that we would not get charged for it.

He then proceeded down the hallway further and noticed that my door had 'ALEX' spelled out in holes from a screwdriver. This, he said, we would be charged for. He said that some of the doors, like Joe's there, were seperating and would be replaced anyway, but mine was a different type or something and was not supposed to be replaced so we would be billed for a new one.

Digression 5: I recall comming home from reston and finding my name spelled out on my door with holes. I ask Joe, since I could tell by the poor penmanship that he had done it, why he punched all these holes in my door and he said that it was neat looking and that he didn't think we would be charged because all the doors were crappy and would probably be replaced anyway. I said 'maybe your door is crappy, mine seems pretty sturdy.' to which he responded 'i am pretty sure we will not be charged for it, but if we are, I will pay for it.' And he will.

The inspection guy didn't even go into my room, he just stuck his head in. I suppose this was a relief, but I did spend a lot of time cleaning it and I wish I had known I could have just blown it off. In the end the only things we were charged for were a carpet cleaning, which is required of everyone, and then: my bedroom door, joe's closet door, and the bathroom cabinet - all of which were Joe's fault. So we did pretty well on the inspection monitarily, aside from Joe. I just feel sorry for whoever has to pay for the reality of cleaning that place, or alternatively, whoever moves into the place if it is left in its current state.

Note: all the images on this page can be seen in full here.